I have been a perfectionist since I came out of the womb.

I vividly remember a time in fourth grade when I had finished working on a long assignment for class. Instead of moving forward, I found myself erasing what I had written—so aggressively that I tore a hole in the paper. Undeterred, I rewrote the entire assignment again and again until I felt it was just right. My teacher noticed and asked why I was focused on erasing my work instead of paying attention in class. The truth? I was afraid my assignment wasn’t good enough. Striving for perfection has always been second nature to me—perhaps even to a fault.

While perfectionism has undoubtedly served me in some ways of my life to take action and accomplish my goals, it hasn’t always been beneficial. It has also made me incredibly hard on myself, leading to unnecessary stress and anxiety that have taken a toll on my well-being. For me, this has manifested as tension headaches that escalate into migraines, relentless self-criticism, overthinking whether I’m doing enough, and a seemingly endless cycle of rumination.

The Roots of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a personality trait deeply rooted in anxiety. At its core, perfectionism stems from fear—fear of not meeting our own expectations, fear of falling short of others’ expectations, and most commonly, fear of failure. While it may manifest differently in each of us, the common thread is always fear. This fear often drives us to behave in ways that can seem irrational or even counterproductive.

You can’t blame yourself for slipping into this mode—it’s your body’s way of trying to protect you from the anxiety you’re experiencing. The result? You nitpick yourself, push yourself to do everything possible to achieve your goal, and still end up feeling like you’ve fallen short of your own expectations.

The good news is, there are steps you can take to lessen the effects of your perfectionism. While I am still trying to figure out this whole thing myself, it takes ongoing inner work. I’m going to lead you through an exercise that is rooted in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There are five steps to this process. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Step 1: Awareness & Compassion

Where are the roots of your perfectionism coming from? How has it served you in the past?

The first step is awareness. Take a moment to reflect on why you’re so hard on yourself and approach this reflection with compassion. Picture yourself as a child—your inner child. Instead of criticizing her, show her grace. Be gentle with her. Recognize how perfectionism has served her in the past. Maybe striving for good grades as a child helped you gain the approval of your parents, especially if you often felt overshadowed by the attention your older sister received. Understanding these roots can help you soften your inner dialogue and move toward healing.

Perfectionism serves a purpose, and that purpose is often rooted in the desire to feel “enough.” Take a moment to reflect on why you might feel inadequate in the areas where your perfectionism shows up. Acknowledge that this trait has served you in the past, helping you navigate challenges and even survive difficult moments.

But now, it’s time to thank your perfectionism for its efforts to protect you—and choose to release it. You don’t need to be a prisoner to this mindset anymore. You are enough, just as you are.

Step 2: Identify Your Negative Thoughts

Our brains contain thousands of neurotransmitters, tirelessly working to send messages throughout the day. But here’s the incredible part: you can literally rewire your brain to change those messages. While it doesn’t happen overnight, with consistent practice and exercises—like the one I’m about to guide you through—you can begin to shift your thoughts. And as your thoughts shift, so does your reality. Pretty amazing, right?

Example: Let’s say that you are very hard on yourself because you’ve gained an extra ten pounds over the holiday season.

The first step is to have acknowledge your feelings, identify the thoughts, and have compassion for yourself. Be concrete about how you feel and why you feel so negatively about what you are experiencing.

Ex: “I gained 10 lbs in the last month. This makes me feel bad about myself because I don’t feel as attractive. I am unworthy of love if I’ve gained weight.”

^ Even writing that feels cringe. We are so hard on ourselves!

Step 3: Assess the Evidence of Your Thoughts & Challenge Unhelpful Beliefs

This is where you get your journal out. Write out the negative thought, and then the concrete evidence that contradicts it.

Negative Thought: “I am unworthy of love if I’ve gained weight.”

Contradicting Evidence: “I’ve gained weight, and my friends and family still love me unconditionally. My body has carried me through so much, and it’s capable of amazing things.”

Step 4: Reframe the Thought

This is where you start to really get down and dirty with changing your thoughts! Note: It’s not enough to simply think these things out loud. Writing it out has SO much power and is part of the process in helping your brain make create those new connections. Don’t skip this step! You need to write these things out in order to create change. It’s time to replace the negative thought with a balanced, compassionate statement.

Reframed Thought: “My weight doesn’t define my worth. I can take small steps to improve my health and view of myself while appreciating my body for what it does.”

Step 5: Focus on Progress, Not Perfectionism

This is where the cool part happens. Now that you’ve forgiven yourself for being a total A-hole to yourself, you can start to work through your goals with a new mindset.

There is an affirmation I like to repeat to myself when I am feeling the weight of my own perfectionism:

“I am a work in progress. I give myself permission to work through my goals without achieving them overnight.“

It’s time to give yourself permission to be human. Small steps are still steps, and they make a difference in the long run.

Example: Instead of starving yourself to lose that extra weight you’ve gained or hibernating for the next month, I want you to take care of yourself in small, tangible ways. Maybe this is going for a walk after dinner because it just feels good to get fresh air. Find something that is proactive to your goal, but not in a self-loathing way (i.e. spending two hours on the treadmill because you just had a Cosmic Brownie.) The goal is progress over perfection.

Daily acts of self care = dopamine rushes = finding acceptance = loving ourselves.

Try this exercise out and let me how it goes! Perfectionism is tough but you CAN change your reality by changing your thoughts. I’m rooting for you.

Xo, Chels

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